My Own Education, Part 3

 Prayer: At the beginning of this week, I felt like my prayer would be for a smooth week, which typically, there is an understood, spirit yearn for that at any time. But this past Sunday, as I started this submission, it was an active thought in the forefront of my mind. Initially, I dismissed it because, "of course." Why wouldn't that always be a prayer to pray?

But as the days went on, it became apparent that it really needed to be an active prayer. I have a pre-teen, and preschooler. Both are in what's considered "in-between" stages of their childhood. And both stages revolved around experiencing new emotions, or at least their journey of becoming aware of more complicated emotions. It is only Wednesday, as I type this paragraph- and boy, what a week it's been. Not awful, not "the worst", but worse than it's been in a while. 

My pre-teen, is in the "logic" or "argumentative stage" according to the educational philosophy we adhere to. He knows a lot about a lot, and has always been a sponge for information. But now, according to the classical education philosophy; he is trying to make sense of it all. He's trying to make sense of how he fits into the world and all of the "pictures" he's learned about over the years; but also make sense of these growing emotions. 

My prayer is for myself, really. to be able to see his struggles for what they are. Not defiance, not rebellion, but genuine curiosity and a desire to make sense of his world. I have a pretty good understanding, as an adult, of the world he lives in. He's still learning, still noticing, still pondering, still navigating. Just like I am, but in a smaller sense. My prayer is to remember that just because his understanding is smaller, doesn't mean that it is less significant or wrong. I have never parented a pre-teen before; this is new territory. 

Same thing with my 4 year old, I have never parented a 4 year old before, this is new territory. For both of them, I need grace. I need grace, for myself and to extend to them. 

It's easy to forget what this kind of learning looks like for them... after all, it's been many years since I went through the stages they are experiencing. There is a learning curve for all of us, but it is my responsibility to stop and be aware of when intercession is needed, whatever format it may be needed. 

Submission: There are some weeks when my "to-do" list gets fully accomplished. There are weeks when this list gets mostly done. And then there are the weeks that very little gets accomplished; usually jsut the basic necessities- laundry, cooking, vaccuming, my own studies, and some of my chidlren's studies. I have always been an advocate of "consistency is key" when it comes to what kids need.

Prior to becoming a mom, I worked as a Nanny for a little over a decade. I got the priviledge of helping four pairs of wonderful parents, shape their Littles. But that's a bunny-trail. For those many years, all of the reading I had done touted the fact that kids need expectations- and I am not talking about whats expected of them, but they need to know what to expect from us. They need a routine, and they need to know that our "yes" means yes, and our "no" means no. There is no denying that this is an absolute for me and my children,because it boils down to trust. But, our (my) kids need to also know that they can rely on us to hear them when something is wrong in their little world. They need to know they can trust us with their hard stuff- the stuff that seems hard to them; and help them navigate it.

This week was one of those particular weeks, where I had to rely on prayer and submit to putting away of my to-do list. My kids needed me. They both had big emotions this week, and my youngest was regularly coming to be a saying, " I need Mommy snuggles." In the hard moments, when we would find ourselves in a deadlock over whatever was on the ajenda for the day, I had to submit to the prodding of the Spirit to slow down and listen not only to Him, but to them. They didn't need the consistency that a regular routine provided them; they needed the consistency of connection. They needed my attention, my undivided, non-lesson related attention. One of the things I love about homeschooling is the freedom. The freedom to take a step back and step away from the daily grind when things, even small tasks, begin to see insurmountable.

So, we did. We took a hiatus from school. We didn't thake the whole week off, but when I would run into big emotions, I made a point to stop and we would go outside or go on an "adventure." A change of pace, was what ways truly needed; or a different scene. We went to the library; the park; on a walk; played in the backard; played a board game; watched a show or mostly; I would read to them. The Twits by Roald Dahl, was the order of the week. This was not the orginal plan for our read-aloud.

The past few weeks, we have been readiing the more serious Trumpeter of Krakow by Eric P. Kelly. A middle-school historical novel about a boy in medieval Poland. But something at the beginning of this week, said that a book full of frankly, mean behavior, genuine ugliness, and fully ridiulous behavior was would be needed. Explain that for me. I read The Twits in the fourth grade, and even then, I recognized the terrible behavior of the two characters was not truly desired or wise. But the ridiculouness of thier behavior was truly enjoyed. Me, as a ten year old; and even this week by my twelve and four year old children. The truly appalling behaviour of Mr. & Mrs. Twit became our respite from petty arguments; clash of wills; and just plain "I don't wannas."

The beauty of homeschooling is that children don't have to learn only by reading a textbook or filling out a worksheet. They can learn about hwo the choices we make impact us, just by hearing a story about how our actions have some serious (albeit funny) consequences. Especially, when those actions impact or involve the people around us.

Celebration: Children learn, and learn best, when they are secure and know that they are safe. My children know they are safe, loved, seen and heard.  How much trauma had been caused by that old idea of "children should be seen and not heard" or even the notion that they aren't a whole person until they've learned to "behave."

In any case, my celebration this week is the freedom and the ability to see and hear my children. To be given the Holy Spirit nudges, and to have been given the wisdom to heed those moments when I feel my children need a hug rather a further push. My eldest and I clashed over a writing assignment, and at one point I walked over to him and hugged him. He didn't immediately respond- so I asked, "Do you need a hug or would you rather I leave you alone?" And he said he needed a hug. So we hugged it out. When he let go of me, he sat right down accomplished what I had set him out to do- his writing assignment.

Now, if he had been in school and balked at his teacher over a similar assigment; we'd potentially be looking at the very least a note from said teacher or a call from the principle or at worst detention (or whatever they're doing now-a-days.) Depending on the severity of the push-back, of course.

Connection is key. Consistency is key. Both are equally important, I believe. Just as with any thing or any one else. Trust is built on both, whatever the situation may be. Connection with a boss over how an assignment is to be completed; a teacher over the same; a significant other about your relationship, finances, children, routines, groceries, weekend plans, future, home; and with our children. For our children- it is mostly heart connections. They need to know that we, as their parents, have not only theri safety, future, potential, and education in mind- but also their heart: their emotional well-being.

Sometimes the to-do list is priority, and that works. But whenthere are weeks like this past one, my kids hearts are on the line and they need to feel and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are seen, heard and heeded. They need to know that they are not standing in a big empty room, waving thier hands frantically waving their arms, but yet still being overlooked, or ignored. There will be times when they wonder if that is the case, and the world will make them feel like that enough to shake their faith in the truth. 

But those feelings will not be coming from me, God-willing. God grant me the ability to see them, to haer them, to hear you and to follow your direction.

A bonus for you... I am... I can... I ought... I will...

My Own Education, Part 2

 Prayer: Of the three disciplines, I write this one last. Mostly because it but a reflection on the background of celebration journaling. I know these are suppose to be current journals, but this way seemed appropriate for my submission this week, as I was reminded of what is typed below as I was typing my celebration journal.

As a little girl, I wanted to be a mom. Anyone ask me "what do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer was always the same: a mommy. So, you would imagine that my story would be of having the quintessential high school sweetheart, early marriage and babies at a young age. Or even the more recent storyline of marrying while in college or soon thereafter. But that was not the case. Beginning at the age of 21, I was single and knew that I had some growing up to do. I knew deep down that God would guide my steps and help me to grow into the person he had created me to be. I knew I wanted to be a wife and mom- but I knew that I would have to wait. Little did I know how long I would have to wait, or that there would be times that I would tearfully wonder if He had forgotten me. I had been raised on the belief that God sees all, each of us and loves each of us as a father does; and longs to give us the desires of our heart when we are ready for it. But the waiting was so hard. Many journals do I have of anguish, fear, hurt being poured out to God; wondering if indeed I was being heard and heeded. Fourteen years of praying, wondering, leaning on God's word, and learning just what it means to trust him and to find my strength, my rest and my refuge in Him. So many prayers. So many journal entries. And not to mention a couple of bad relationships, and wrong roads. There were many nights, evenings, mornings, days, weeks of feeling like the dry bones in the dessert; wondering when they would come alive again- if they would at all. Many times, praying from the scriptures written on index cards, kept in my purse for moments when I struggled to understand why I wasn't being heard. Those cards were my reminder that I was being heard; that things take time; doors have to open from many sides. And they reminded me to praise Him in the storm. 

When I was in the middle of this prayer for my heart's desire, it seemed like it would never end. Looking back, I see a part of the why- it was growing me to be the mom and wife that my family would need. Grounded, well-adjusted, whole, healed, and fully rested in God's grace. Now, that's not to say that these aren't my daily prayers any more- I am regularly in need of God's grace, his goodness, and to find refuge under his wings. But, in hindsight, I would much rather be fully-here as a mom than struggling with my own faith and what that looked like while trying to raise babies and cultivate a healthy marriage. Those things can be a struggle enough, I can't imagine trying to work out my own salvation and beliefs in the middle of all that too. My prayer to be a mom and wife has now evolved into being the woman my family needs. To have the patience, understanding, wisdom and foresight that is needed to fulfill my own portion of that promise of family and a happy marriage. 

Submission: This one has been a struggle, but yet not a struggle. In the past two weeks, my hubby went out of town; and the following week his sister came to visit. Both of these events are unusual, and had really thrown me for a loop. Don't get me wrong, these weren't unpleasant events- they just weren't normal for our little family. My husband works from home and I homeschool our kids. Everyone being at home, and us being together the vast majority of the time is normal. And my hubby's sister lives in California with her own family, and the last time she came to visit was right after my youngest was born, four years ago. We aren't used to visitors at our house. We are used to being the visitors though. This last week, I was so spent. There was a part of me that wanted to take the week off of lessons and just "be". But, I have always believed in the notion, "consistency is key"; especially where kids are concerned. So, despite my yearning to take a week off and lounge around with nothing else to do other than laundry and housekeeping; I chose to submit to faithfulness in homeschooling. This faithfulness was the right call, just in the sense of my boys need the routine. Kids thrive on knowing what to expect. And because of my consistency, this week's lessons went off without a hitch- which is not normal. Each week, we have a least one day with a kid saying, "I don't wanna..." But not once did I hear that. I am surprised, grateful and glad. There is a quote from N.T. Wright's book Simply Christian that says, "From the very beginning, writers like Paul and John recognized that this isn't just difficult, but actually impossible. We can't do it by some kind of Herculean moral effort. The only way is by drawing strength from beyond ourselves, the strength of God's Spirit..." When I read this unrelated passage, it struck me as being totally relevant to my week and my choice to remain faithful to the routine that I, myself, have established. It was not my my own strength, but by that which was provided for me. One of my favorite passages, since I was very young, has been Isaiah 40:31, "but they that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up on wings of eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."(NIV) Many times have I sung the song to myself to bolster my spirit and my resolve. My older sister calls me tenacious.

Celebration: This past couple of weeks has been a celebration of God's provision. This month we celebrate our 5 year anniversary. (How has that much time past so quickly?) But the celebration of God's provision is a personal and inner one. You see, my oldest kiddo is not my biological child, he is what I call my Bonus Baby; my step-son. I grew up in a blended family. My dad remarried and I gained new siblings. And it had all the stereotypical pitfalls blended families often do.

This is where God's provision lies: As I got older, and was yet still unmarried and childless; I realized that the likelihood of marrying someone who didn't already have kids was getting slimmer. With that realization, I started praying- praying for not only the man God would bring into my life, but also for the ex and children that would be part of his life. This is not a tale of "how well I prayed", but very much a celebration of an answered prayer. I have always understood just how blessed I am to have my husband- but my bonus babe- He is more than I could have hoped for. And for that matter, his mom. For all intents and purposes, she and I have what would be called a "working relationship", where our mutual interest lies. But, I realized this week just how wonderfully God has answered my prayer. After all, how many step-momma's get to homeschool their step-child? I certainly don't know of any. I am sure they are out there, but in all likeliness, they are few and far between. 

We are not at cross-paths. We all realize that we are here to work for his/HIS (bonus baby/GOD). Even if its just at a subconscious level, we all know and realize that infighting, backbiting and strife will serve no purpose except to harm the one person we have been charged to protect, guide and nurture. It brings me to tears each time I think on it- God is so faithful. His word and promises does not return void. He has provided me with not only the family I longed for, for many years- but he has done exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond all that I could hope and imagine. 

There is so much I have to acknowledge my mom for in this though. She was a woman of prayer, and a woman who had her own struggles with a bad marriage and a less than secure upbringing. I was her late-baby. By the time I had come along, she was no spring chicken, and had matured greatly since the births of my older siblings. She instilled in me from a young age the importance of leaning into God's goodness. Isaiah 40:31, was sung as a lullaby for me. And now I sing it as a lullaby for both my babies. 

A bonus for you... I am... I can... I ought... I will...