Prayer: Of the three disciplines, I write this one last. Mostly because it but a reflection on the background of celebration journaling. I know these are suppose to be current journals, but this way seemed appropriate for my submission this week, as I was reminded of what is typed below as I was typing my celebration journal.
As a little girl, I wanted to be a mom. Anyone ask me "what do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer was always the same: a mommy. So, you would imagine that my story would be of having the quintessential high school sweetheart, early marriage and babies at a young age. Or even the more recent storyline of marrying while in college or soon thereafter. But that was not the case. Beginning at the age of 21, I was single and knew that I had some growing up to do. I knew deep down that God would guide my steps and help me to grow into the person he had created me to be. I knew I wanted to be a wife and mom- but I knew that I would have to wait. Little did I know how long I would have to wait, or that there would be times that I would tearfully wonder if He had forgotten me. I had been raised on the belief that God sees all, each of us and loves each of us as a father does; and longs to give us the desires of our heart when we are ready for it. But the waiting was so hard. Many journals do I have of anguish, fear, hurt being poured out to God; wondering if indeed I was being heard and heeded. Fourteen years of praying, wondering, leaning on God's word, and learning just what it means to trust him and to find my strength, my rest and my refuge in Him. So many prayers. So many journal entries. And not to mention a couple of bad relationships, and wrong roads. There were many nights, evenings, mornings, days, weeks of feeling like the dry bones in the dessert; wondering when they would come alive again- if they would at all. Many times, praying from the scriptures written on index cards, kept in my purse for moments when I struggled to understand why I wasn't being heard. Those cards were my reminder that I was being heard; that things take time; doors have to open from many sides. And they reminded me to praise Him in the storm.
When I was in the middle of this prayer for my heart's desire, it seemed like it would never end. Looking back, I see a part of the why- it was growing me to be the mom and wife that my family would need. Grounded, well-adjusted, whole, healed, and fully rested in God's grace. Now, that's not to say that these aren't my daily prayers any more- I am regularly in need of God's grace, his goodness, and to find refuge under his wings. But, in hindsight, I would much rather be fully-here as a mom than struggling with my own faith and what that looked like while trying to raise babies and cultivate a healthy marriage. Those things can be a struggle enough, I can't imagine trying to work out my own salvation and beliefs in the middle of all that too. My prayer to be a mom and wife has now evolved into being the woman my family needs. To have the patience, understanding, wisdom and foresight that is needed to fulfill my own portion of that promise of family and a happy marriage.
Submission: This one has been a struggle, but yet not a struggle. In the past two weeks, my hubby went out of town; and the following week his sister came to visit. Both of these events are unusual, and had really thrown me for a loop. Don't get me wrong, these weren't unpleasant events- they just weren't normal for our little family. My husband works from home and I homeschool our kids. Everyone being at home, and us being together the vast majority of the time is normal. And my hubby's sister lives in California with her own family, and the last time she came to visit was right after my youngest was born, four years ago. We aren't used to visitors at our house. We are used to being the visitors though. This last week, I was so spent. There was a part of me that wanted to take the week off of lessons and just "be". But, I have always believed in the notion, "consistency is key"; especially where kids are concerned. So, despite my yearning to take a week off and lounge around with nothing else to do other than laundry and housekeeping; I chose to submit to faithfulness in homeschooling. This faithfulness was the right call, just in the sense of my boys need the routine. Kids thrive on knowing what to expect. And because of my consistency, this week's lessons went off without a hitch- which is not normal. Each week, we have a least one day with a kid saying, "I don't wanna..." But not once did I hear that. I am surprised, grateful and glad. There is a quote from N.T. Wright's book Simply Christian that says, "From the very beginning, writers like Paul and John recognized that this isn't just difficult, but actually impossible. We can't do it by some kind of Herculean moral effort. The only way is by drawing strength from beyond ourselves, the strength of God's Spirit..." When I read this unrelated passage, it struck me as being totally relevant to my week and my choice to remain faithful to the routine that I, myself, have established. It was not my my own strength, but by that which was provided for me. One of my favorite passages, since I was very young, has been Isaiah 40:31, "but they that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up on wings of eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."(NIV) Many times have I sung the song to myself to bolster my spirit and my resolve. My older sister calls me tenacious.
Celebration: This past couple of weeks has been a celebration of God's provision. This month we celebrate our 5 year anniversary. (How has that much time past so quickly?) But the celebration of God's provision is a personal and inner one. You see, my oldest kiddo is not my biological child, he is what I call my Bonus Baby; my step-son. I grew up in a blended family. My dad remarried and I gained new siblings. And it had all the stereotypical pitfalls blended families often do.
This is where God's provision lies: As I got older, and was yet still unmarried and childless; I realized that the likelihood of marrying someone who didn't already have kids was getting slimmer. With that realization, I started praying- praying for not only the man God would bring into my life, but also for the ex and children that would be part of his life. This is not a tale of "how well I prayed", but very much a celebration of an answered prayer. I have always understood just how blessed I am to have my husband- but my bonus babe- He is more than I could have hoped for. And for that matter, his mom. For all intents and purposes, she and I have what would be called a "working relationship", where our mutual interest lies. But, I realized this week just how wonderfully God has answered my prayer. After all, how many step-momma's get to homeschool their step-child? I certainly don't know of any. I am sure they are out there, but in all likeliness, they are few and far between.
We are not at cross-paths. We all realize that we are here to work for his/HIS (bonus baby/GOD). Even if its just at a subconscious level, we all know and realize that infighting, backbiting and strife will serve no purpose except to harm the one person we have been charged to protect, guide and nurture. It brings me to tears each time I think on it- God is so faithful. His word and promises does not return void. He has provided me with not only the family I longed for, for many years- but he has done exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond all that I could hope and imagine.
There is so much I have to acknowledge my mom for in this though. She was a woman of prayer, and a woman who had her own struggles with a bad marriage and a less than secure upbringing. I was her late-baby. By the time I had come along, she was no spring chicken, and had matured greatly since the births of my older siblings. She instilled in me from a young age the importance of leaning into God's goodness. Isaiah 40:31, was sung as a lullaby for me. And now I sing it as a lullaby for both my babies.
A bonus for you... I am... I can... I ought... I will...
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